Adjusting... Well, sort of

I think I had a very mistaken impression of what life was going to be like when I got back from Africa. I thought that I would get off the plane, come home, and pick up right where I left off. Relationships would be the same. I would find a job and life would get right back into its normal pattern. I couldn't have been more wrong if I tried.

Nothing was the same. I wasn't the same person as when I left to go to Africa.  My house wasn't the same. People weren't the same. Everything felt so different and strange. Life is not falling back into that familiar pattern. I feel like I just can't get settled in most of the time.  Relationships are no where near the same as they were when I left. Attempting to get back into the swing of life in America proved to be much more of a challenge than I had originally anticipated. America was sensory overload for me. I couldn't seem to handle the most basic of choices. Looking at a menu was overwhelming. Add to that sense of being overwhelmed, the absolute sadness I felt at leaving behind my fiancé, the kids I had grown to love and cherish, the very place where I felt most at home and like I belonged, along with the utter exhaustion of having not slept much in two days, and you've got an almost certain meltdown on your hands.

Meltdown...function normally... Meltdown...function normally... Meltdown, meltdown, meltdown... function normally... That seemed to be the cycle I was in for the first few days. I could hold it together for a little bit, but then you could just about guarantee that I was going to lose my composure and cry. I cried over the most ridiculous of things... seeing a picture of one of the kids, getting a message from my fiancé, telling a story from my trip, talking about the wedding. Emotions were high and raw, and in reality no one understood. I got responses from "Oh I'm sorry" to "You know you really need to suck it up and deal with it." What I needed was someone to just listen. No judgment. No advice. Just listen to my stories. Hear me when I say that I am overwhelmed and my heart hurts. Hear me when I say that I need to just breathe and take it all in. Hear me when I tell you that it feels like I don't belong anymore. Hear what I can't say. Look in my eyes. See the hurt and the pain and the frustration and all of the emotion that come with this life change. But whatever you do, don't tell me that I need to get over it already.

 What I know is that I will never get over it. I will never be the same person I was when I left to go to Africa. You wouldn't be either. In some way, Africa changes you. In some way, it makes you completely different. That's what I know. That's what I am certain of.

As for now, I am becoming more and more acclimated to life in the United Sates again. I am in full on wedding planning mode. I am in full time working mode again too. I honestly believe that having more to do with my time than sit in my living room and stare at the walls is going to be extremely beneficial to my sanity.

This journey that I began in June is far from over. In fact if I had to take my best guess, I'd say that the best parts of the journey are yet to come.

Until next time,
Melody